who walks this dusty road

The last time i wrote a (novel-length) freely expressed rant i got a lot of “are you ok?” replies and messages as a response…I guess I didn’t really realise how negative that could come across…but then people should just know me better maybe?

I suppose I could have been a little more tactful in conveying my unhappiness or something like that..

In the past two months a fair bit has changed, without so much really physically changing..but things are definitely better, thankfully..

I believe that having known such a strong sense of belonging and love for a place that I can’t currently even visit has made it much harder to accept a life elsewhere. Life’s pretty good in London at the moment, the weather’s even been decent lately, but it’s just not home. It’s not me. And there’s not much I can do about that.

It’s odd feeling a sense of not belonging. I should be used to it really, but having had it before it’s like you don’t know what’s missing until it’s gone right..

I suppose until I can overcome that or work on it, I just have to accept life sans belonging. Displaced and ok with it..let’s see how long it lasts.

The past five months in London have been up and down, and as a result my camera has only just left the drawer it was buried in…however instagram has become a regular outlet…so here’s the last few months..

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dissatisfaction or displacement

In life we all do things we don’t like to do…things we don’t want to do, or things that make us unhappy in some way..

Maybe we feel like we’re selling out, going against what we believe or just dealing with assholes on a daily basis…it can get to be too much.

With a little perspective and a little balance, it’s not so bad…if you have good to balance or outweigh the bad, it’s just a small part of life.

But what happens when you turn around and realise that most of your life is making you unhappy.

You spend your life at work and you’re hating it. You spend your life at work so you hate your life.

You’re trying to work in an industry that you’re incredibly passionate about, but the lack of focus and quality is dragging you down…killing that passion. Is that ok?

You work long exhausting hours yet once you’ve paid your rent and bills you have an abysmal amount left to spare..thats going to limit your fun..not to mention the lack of free time…or the weather.

It’s common knowledge that the British talk about the weather incessantly…what an annoying habit! There’s more to life than the weather…or is there?

I definitely thought there was…then I moved here.

10 weeks later i can assure you that not only have i started talking about the weather, but this insanely wet, grey, cold and miserable excuse for a summer is indeed the worst bout of crap i’ve had to endure ever in my life. true story.

I’ve never even had a winter that measures up. Sure it’s cold in winter, sure it sometimes rains for a couple weeks and that sucks. But this? This is far beyond belief.

Oh and supposedly there’s a drought here. You have got to be kidding me.

It’s mental how much the (bad) weather actually affects you. Ok when you’re working pretty much daily, and you’re inside, it’s not so bad…in fact it’s probably made work better, i don’t have envy for those who are out and about…the only place i’d rather be is bed

But when you’re getting up to yet another grey and rainy day at 5.30am…and you haven’t seen the sky let alone the sun in what feels like forever…it sure is hard to be upbeat and positive about life on a daily basis.

Ok so this is seemingly grim. But maybe it all comes together in a dark place to lead you to the light…? Maybe the sun will eventually shine and summer will get it’s shit together and finally grace us with some damned dryness.

Getting to a place of deep dissatisfaction can be a good thing if it forces you to shake it up and demand more for yourself. A place where that far flung dream of not being unhappy and not working for dickheads makes you decide that you will make it happen. And not far down the line either, it needs to be something you can smell, otherwise what the hell is going to get you out of bed on yet another rainy day?

That dream is alive and well, it’s thriving and with every shitty day, where something crap happens at work, someone pisses you off and continues to grind down your sense of humor, passion and die-hard positivity, the absolute need for this dream to become a reality grows stronger.

The time is now, this can no longer wait, something has to change today, because tomorrow’s not looking so bright and those dull days sure are changing me in a way i don’t like at all.

I refuse to become a bitter product of my grey and crappy environment.

So does creating your very own vision in turn create your space, your home? Is home really where your heart is? How do you go about choosing that place to settle for a little while and commit?

If the visa gods were not running this overly controlled world, I probably wouldn’t be in this unhappy place right now. In fact I definitely wouldn’t be. But then that’s how the world has gone and there’s no way around it at this point in time.

Do we go for logic and practicality? I’ve always been a fan of logic, yet I tend to live my life in a more nomadic, spur of the moment style and its worked well for me. Until I couldn’t be in the only place I wanted to be…then my heart wasn’t allowed to choose and my head didn’t know where to go.

If setting up a business is already a difficult and trying thing, maybe having some kind of contacts and a shared first language is a good start…lets not make it harder than it needs to be right? But if the logical place is where you’re already unhappy, can you change that relation and make it a happy place through creating the place of your dreams?

I definitely don’t fit the British. They don’t get me. But that’s ok. I’m convinced I can create my own space of belonging…here or elsewhere

It will happen…because doing not quite what you want to is so boring

Go your own way

Today I realised its been almost three months since I last wrote here…pretty bad in my opinion.

That said my writing has been all over the place for almost a year, reflecting my lack of being settled and my more personal journey of recent times.

Since last August I have spent almost six weeks in London at various times. Each time hoping that I’d see another side, be drawn to live in this city and find interesting work to make the move.

Well between here and the many cities I visited, I ended up in India for four months, guess I didn’t quite find what I was looking for…or perhaps, I wasn’t looking for the right thing…so in the end I found that and I went for it.

Months later getting a job has become imperative for a few reasons…I’m really missing coffee for one!

I decided it would be between London and Paris, and after a short stint in each city I left London with a solid offer.

So here I am, a couple weeks later, having starting my new job at one of the city’s latest cafes, renting my mates couch and flat hunting in my spare time…exhausting!!

Anyone who’s done the whole flatshare thing can appreciate how tiring, time consuming and all around god awful searching for a place can be! Not to mention I’m in a city I don’t really know, searching in suburbs I’ve never even heard of, oh and yeah there’s that job with crazy hours that I’m not used to anymore!

So here I am running about in the rain (yes it’s still cold and rainy here for those who were wondering, spring is yet to have sprung) getting completely lost in suburbs accessible to work (most of which I haven’t been to before) and arriving late to house inspections which resemble a fusion between an interview and speed dating…

We’re both trying to suss each other out, keeping a suspicious eye out for any bad habits, the usual deal breakers or a well kept secret that could forever ruin the agreement and have me out on this fun hunt once again…

I tell you thank god for google maps and iPhones…this would not be possible without them!

So I finish a good inspection, usually it’s run too long since we’re just chatting away (good sign) and I have to run off to the next one whilst calling to apologise for running late (can’t really predict the previous visit was going to go so well really!) and figuring out the buses to get where I’m going leaving no time to really mull over it and decide that it’s in my top 3 of the last few days.

When I do get down to rating them I contact the people I liked the most to see where they’re at, hoping we were on the same page and that they picked me too! (back to the dating scene/interview here)

By Sunday I thought I’d done it, I had my top three, all firm contenders and I contacted them all. Well I was shit out of luck it seems, number one on my list liked me too but her flatmate decided to stay on…right…

Number two with the perfect location, well, let’s just say discrimination works in strange ways sometimes! That said I do understand the choice to not live with someone you find attractive…all flattery aside, I was really bummed out!

Oh and number three, well it’s with a couple so I’m still trying to see how I feel about that one…

Where does it leave me? Well back to it really…back to the listings…I have read thousands of ads and I’m always conscious of the hours of my life i won’t get back…

Oh well, I’m discovering London in some ways, and meeting people…one of my closest friends back in Melbourne I met on this very same scene…she needed a flatmate and me a new home. In the end she went with someone else but we stayed great friends, worked out for the best really. Oh how the universe works in mysterious ways.

Well back to the listings for me…after an amazing doco on Fleetwood Mac I had to share this rad track…enjoy!

go your own way