The last time i wrote a (novel-length) freely expressed rant i got a lot of “are you ok?” replies and messages as a response…I guess I didn’t really realise how negative that could come across…but then people should just know me better maybe?
I suppose I could have been a little more tactful in conveying my unhappiness or something like that..
In the past two months a fair bit has changed, without so much really physically changing..but things are definitely better, thankfully..
I believe that having known such a strong sense of belonging and love for a place that I can’t currently even visit has made it much harder to accept a life elsewhere. Life’s pretty good in London at the moment, the weather’s even been decent lately, but it’s just not home. It’s not me. And there’s not much I can do about that.
It’s odd feeling a sense of not belonging. I should be used to it really, but having had it before it’s like you don’t know what’s missing until it’s gone right..
I suppose until I can overcome that or work on it, I just have to accept life sans belonging. Displaced and ok with it..let’s see how long it lasts.
The past five months in London have been up and down, and as a result my camera has only just left the drawer it was buried in…however instagram has become a regular outlet…so here’s the last few months..
In life we all do things we don’t like to do…things we don’t want to do, or things that make us unhappy in some way..
Maybe we feel like we’re selling out, going against what we believe or just dealing with assholes on a daily basis…it can get to be too much.
With a little perspective and a little balance, it’s not so bad…if you have good to balance or outweigh the bad, it’s just a small part of life.
But what happens when you turn around and realise that most of your life is making you unhappy.
You spend your life at work and you’re hating it. You spend your life at work so you hate your life.
You’re trying to work in an industry that you’re incredibly passionate about, but the lack of focus and quality is dragging you down…killing that passion. Is that ok?
You work long exhausting hours yet once you’ve paid your rent and bills you have an abysmal amount left to spare..thats going to limit your fun..not to mention the lack of free time…or the weather.
It’s common knowledge that the British talk about the weather incessantly…what an annoying habit! There’s more to life than the weather…or is there?
I definitely thought there was…then I moved here.
10 weeks later i can assure you that not only have i started talking about the weather, but this insanely wet, grey, cold and miserable excuse for a summer is indeed the worst bout of crap i’ve had to endure ever in my life. true story.
I’ve never even had a winter that measures up. Sure it’s cold in winter, sure it sometimes rains for a couple weeks and that sucks. But this? This is far beyond belief.
Oh and supposedly there’s a drought here. You have got to be kidding me.
It’s mental how much the (bad) weather actually affects you. Ok when you’re working pretty much daily, and you’re inside, it’s not so bad…in fact it’s probably made work better, i don’t have envy for those who are out and about…the only place i’d rather be is bed
But when you’re getting up to yet another grey and rainy day at 5.30am…and you haven’t seen the sky let alone the sun in what feels like forever…it sure is hard to be upbeat and positive about life on a daily basis.
Ok so this is seemingly grim. But maybe it all comes together in a dark place to lead you to the light…? Maybe the sun will eventually shine and summer will get it’s shit together and finally grace us with some damned dryness.
Getting to a place of deep dissatisfaction can be a good thing if it forces you to shake it up and demand more for yourself. A place where that far flung dream of not being unhappy and not working for dickheads makes you decide that you will make it happen. And not far down the line either, it needs to be something you can smell, otherwise what the hell is going to get you out of bed on yet another rainy day?
That dream is alive and well, it’s thriving and with every shitty day, where something crap happens at work, someone pisses you off and continues to grind down your sense of humor, passion and die-hard positivity, the absolute need for this dream to become a reality grows stronger.
The time is now, this can no longer wait, something has to change today, because tomorrow’s not looking so bright and those dull days sure are changing me in a way i don’t like at all.
I refuse to become a bitter product of my grey and crappy environment.
So does creating your very own vision in turn create your space, your home? Is home really where your heart is? How do you go about choosing that place to settle for a little while and commit?
If the visa gods were not running this overly controlled world, I probably wouldn’t be in this unhappy place right now. In fact I definitely wouldn’t be. But then that’s how the world has gone and there’s no way around it at this point in time.
Do we go for logic and practicality? I’ve always been a fan of logic, yet I tend to live my life in a more nomadic, spur of the moment style and its worked well for me. Until I couldn’t be in the only place I wanted to be…then my heart wasn’t allowed to choose and my head didn’t know where to go.
If setting up a business is already a difficult and trying thing, maybe having some kind of contacts and a shared first language is a good start…lets not make it harder than it needs to be right? But if the logical place is where you’re already unhappy, can you change that relation and make it a happy place through creating the place of your dreams?
I definitely don’t fit the British. They don’t get me. But that’s ok. I’m convinced I can create my own space of belonging…here or elsewhere
It will happen…because doing not quite what you want to is so boring
I haven’t done this before but I’d like to do a little publicity for my mate Krissy and her rad designs from her very own brand Krissyfied…
The very rad retro stylings of Krissyfied are self designed and ethically produced in India. Did I mention 10% of profit goes to a hand picked charity helping street kids in New Delhi? Thats just the kind of girl she is!
After 3 weeks and 33 flat visits, I finally found myself the most perfect flat and flatmate in London…and so I’m happy to announce that I’m now an official resident of London, N7 to be specific.
With the whole flat hunting ordeal finally behind me, and a rad place to come home to, I am overjoyed to have free time to enjoy this royal city…well, when its not pissing down as it has done very much of late.
After more rain in may than the past 200 years there was a fantastic glimpse of summer to come which lasted us a glorious 10 hot, muggy, sunny days..and of course, the rain did indeed return to remind us that though it may officially be summer…we are in Britain, and that just won’t do.
The festival season kicked off in beauty over the jubilee long weekend with a partially sunny, and totally rad field day over at vic park. I was caught off guard by the crowds and queues (it wasn’t sold out…) and after taking the wrong bus (scenic route through Clapton) and running through the streets of hackney I found myself queuing for so long to enter that I missed my fav band…bummed out and on the verge of tears I hightailed it for the red bull tent to restore my faith in the world (Dutch courage and energy drinks will do that apparently)
After borrowing a stranger’s phone (I’d like to thank Vodafone…crap mobile reception) I managed to find some friends and the day turned into one of fun in the sun (sometimes) with great tunes and a massive park to dart across from one stage to another…personal highlights were Metronomy and Beirut who were both really great live acts..
We ended the night there dancing in the rain to Franz Ferdinand…how appropriately British for my very first, British festival. Photos to come.
One of the best things about this city (I know I’ve only been here a week but I have indeed always loved this about London) is the crazy amount of stuff happening…all the time!!
I have enjoyed a few gigs of some favourite bands, always awesome.
But something I truly love, is discovering new bands at gigs…via amazing friends who take me along or suggest something they think I’ll enjoy…and so on Sunday night, my friend and temporary flatmate/landlord had a spare ticket for The Hidden Orchestra.
As the tickets were a gift to her, she didn’t know them either, a quick YouTube search had us wanting more, excited to discover another cool band…I know I’m quite out of the loop (years on the other side of the world then months without a base will do that to you) and that was confirmed as the gig was completely sold out! A good sign, and to their credit they earned all their fans by being so damn awesome. Think jazzy drum n bass…oh and two drummers. Yep TWO DRUMMERS! Any band with two drummers is already rocking it. These guys were so freakin good…they were playing together, against each other…ahh it was so perfectly done too.
Now I may have mentioned this before (I seem to have posted the same video clip twice so it wouldn’t surprise me) but I have had truly shit luck with supporting acts.
I don’t quite understand it really. I mean as far as I know, supporting acts are meant to be local talent, up and coming artists, in the same vein as the main acts…a chance to discover some cool new musos, perhaps become a fan and buy an album or tshirt or something.
Somehow, and perhaps it’s a Melbourne thing…my gig experience of the past few years has been great for the main acts but abysmal in the supporting act department. Not average. Like really really really bad.
Needless to say I’m now quite apprehensive when it comes to supporting acts. I try to get there as late as possible so I’m just in time for the real thing!
Well we miscalculated and managed to make it while the first supporters were playing…damn.
But actually, they weren’t too bad. And they probably were in the vein of the main act. Only whinier. But enjoyable nonetheless.
But The Hidden Orchestra, man those guys were unreal! Look them up, or go see them. They’re rad.
Today I realised its been almost three months since I last wrote here…pretty bad in my opinion.
That said my writing has been all over the place for almost a year, reflecting my lack of being settled and my more personal journey of recent times.
Since last August I have spent almost six weeks in London at various times. Each time hoping that I’d see another side, be drawn to live in this city and find interesting work to make the move.
Well between here and the many cities I visited, I ended up in India for four months, guess I didn’t quite find what I was looking for…or perhaps, I wasn’t looking for the right thing…so in the end I found that and I went for it.
Months later getting a job has become imperative for a few reasons…I’m really missing coffee for one!
I decided it would be between London and Paris, and after a short stint in each city I left London with a solid offer.
So here I am, a couple weeks later, having starting my new job at one of the city’s latest cafes, renting my mates couch and flat hunting in my spare time…exhausting!!
Anyone who’s done the whole flatshare thing can appreciate how tiring, time consuming and all around god awful searching for a place can be! Not to mention I’m in a city I don’t really know, searching in suburbs I’ve never even heard of, oh and yeah there’s that job with crazy hours that I’m not used to anymore!
So here I am running about in the rain (yes it’s still cold and rainy here for those who were wondering, spring is yet to have sprung) getting completely lost in suburbs accessible to work (most of which I haven’t been to before) and arriving late to house inspections which resemble a fusion between an interview and speed dating…
We’re both trying to suss each other out, keeping a suspicious eye out for any bad habits, the usual deal breakers or a well kept secret that could forever ruin the agreement and have me out on this fun hunt once again…
I tell you thank god for google maps and iPhones…this would not be possible without them!
So I finish a good inspection, usually it’s run too long since we’re just chatting away (good sign) and I have to run off to the next one whilst calling to apologise for running late (can’t really predict the previous visit was going to go so well really!) and figuring out the buses to get where I’m going leaving no time to really mull over it and decide that it’s in my top 3 of the last few days.
When I do get down to rating them I contact the people I liked the most to see where they’re at, hoping we were on the same page and that they picked me too! (back to the dating scene/interview here)
By Sunday I thought I’d done it, I had my top three, all firm contenders and I contacted them all. Well I was shit out of luck it seems, number one on my list liked me too but her flatmate decided to stay on…right…
Number two with the perfect location, well, let’s just say discrimination works in strange ways sometimes! That said I do understand the choice to not live with someone you find attractive…all flattery aside, I was really bummed out!
Oh and number three, well it’s with a couple so I’m still trying to see how I feel about that one…
Where does it leave me? Well back to it really…back to the listings…I have read thousands of ads and I’m always conscious of the hours of my life i won’t get back…
Oh well, I’m discovering London in some ways, and meeting people…one of my closest friends back in Melbourne I met on this very same scene…she needed a flatmate and me a new home. In the end she went with someone else but we stayed great friends, worked out for the best really. Oh how the universe works in mysterious ways.
Well back to the listings for me…after an amazing doco on Fleetwood Mac I had to share this rad track…enjoy!
shortly after my last blurb i departed Goa for what was meant to be a short trip to Pune to visit Osho and do a course…of course i know that my time is always flexible and i ended up spending a month in the beautiful Koregon park and truly fell in love with the place, the people and everything there.
the course was the hardest and best thing of my life to date, and after a month of digging and sweating it out, meditation, dance, celebration, learning, connecting, love and being within, practicing awareness i returned to the land of Goa. what a change to come back here after the serenity of the last month!
it’s true that with distance or time you have perspective and reflection, but a month is not so long and to have such a different view on the same place after such a short trip away is amazing. while it’s so good to be back by the sea, i really did miss the sea a lot, it feels like Goa is in heat, and im not just talking about the temperature.
yet i’m here settling like dust, integrating my work and reinforcing what i’ve learnt, remembering to be present and aware. the realisations of the past few weeks are endless and continual, it’s a beautiful thing…now the future is wide open, more so than before, and that is incredible. i have no idea where i will end up in the next few months. i have one ticket and no future destination locked in. that’s the way i like it and i’m finally more than happy with that.
near the end of my trip i decided to take sannyas in a beautiful celebration with some of my new family, you can read about it here http://www.neosannyas.org if you want to know more
now it’s time to hit the beach, enjoy the song…